Once upon a time in the realm of elves and fairies big chess events were celebrated in the court of the Crimson Queen (or was it the Crimson King :-)) But soon the Queen felt bored with all those serious matches and tournaments and demanded:
"Just take away all those people from AEGT, CEGT, Infinite Loops and Reels, and no Chess Wars for some time. I want to see something amusing. So let us see who is best here. The winner will be allowed to bath in the sea of enlightenment, which will make him invincible, so he will not have to fear any hydras or be shreddered anymore. Tell me, who wants to participate?"
Loud heavy metal music interrupted the usual harmonic sounds. A long haired guy in a metal dress stepped forward.and shouted:
"I heard the Call of Kthulu (Lovecraft), I will participate. I have support from fans and and will be a real gladiator.
A witch with tousled hair and warts where they are usually not liked by women pushed
him aside.
"Take me in, I learnt a lot of hechizos over the past months"
"What are hechizos?" asked the Queen.
"Ah, sorry, I am a bit confused since my broom was crushed into this oak. I meant spells".
A woman dressed in a more elegant way approaches the scene.
"Who is she?" a boy asked his father.
"I'm not quite sure. She is from down under and has had some weird confrontations with the witch in the past in Leo´s tournaments".
Again there was a deep voice and then the spectators saw a real giant,
measuring more than seven feet tall. He was dressed in fine clothes:
"Call me The Baron. I dislike all those players who know a lot about theory.
Let us play with the pieces in random alignment".
Suddenly, from a diffuse green light a wizard appeared and answered:
"Perhaps I won't challenge you, but this other huge guy".
Another colossus showed up, the ground beneath him trembling.
"They call me Slow", he said in a friendly way, "but I am a master
in deceiving my opponents and for most I am much too fast".
More and more wanted to play. There was the king of the animals, cross-eyed, but honest. However this animal seemed to behave like Hesse´s Steppenwolf, showing a multiple personality. An inner voice always urging, "Let me play…I am tactically stronger".
A small bird wanted to challenge a huge ugly dragon.
But the dragon, usually a very modest and helpful creature, seemed to be in bad mood
and answered in a contemptuous way:
"You can´t even fly. I will give you double the amount of time and will even
remove my bishop pawns.
A confused smiling chap from the distant planet Terra claimed that he would be the king of the Visigoths, as soon as time travelling was invented. But no one could understand his strange language code and he confessed that from time to time he had even lost some parts of it.
A talkative man started to grumble: "I do not claim that Mov….".
"Oh, shut up" two other guys exclaimed.
"No IceSpells and Cheetah´s are needed to crush you. Now that we have combined our efforts".
Finally a dwarf appeared. His face camouflaged by a black hood.
"Who are you?" asked the Queen, "A thief.?"
"No, you can´t call me a thief. Nowadays valuable things can be found unwatched along
the streets" he answered.
"And why are you staggering, are you drunk?" the Queen continued.
"No, although I am feeling a bit doped and confused", the enano replied.
"I just ate some fruit from the bushes, which were delicious. I think I ate
so many that they must be 95% of my weight, but there is something unique in me.
But maybe I will keep this private now."
The spectators were divided in their opinions: "Do not let him participate"
some cried indignantly.
"We want to see him play, he seems to be strong" others applauded.
"Who else wants to participate?" asked the Queen. The usual silence of the court followed. Or?
Most players seemed to be deaf, some were too lazy to utter a single word, others were already fed up with all the tournaments. Some others were far away including the Pharaon who was too busy watching all his pyramids. Frank was composing weird music with obscene texts on some moon.
The first challenges were made. Spectators sat down in their chairs. The well-known organizers of fine standard tournaments. But not all. Some had to stand.
"Why those people are not allowed to sit, mum?" a small child asked.
"Shhh, ignore them, these strange people using awkward conditions and boards are
not welcome in the court. No one is really interested in them. Luckily most have
already gone."
The big dragon now set up his pieces for the first game and kicked away his bishop pawns, while the Kiwi was busy sheltering his wings from the flames that were already shooting out of the muzzle of Glaurung and almost getting squashed by one of those enormous feet. So let us see the game of the humble bird against the big dragon: